Welcome to the 7th annual Shipwreckageotology Winter Conference, set in the idyllic Bruce’s house. We hope you enjoy yourself, but please bear in mind that nearly any action you take is likely to result in eviction, arrest, or at least a sizable fee. Please review the following rules, paying particular attention to paragraph 19.
1. While all attempts will be made to make this entry as complete and professional sounding as possible, in reality it’s going to be hastily thrown together. But please carefully read see Chapter 19. It will be strictly enforced.
2. There is a cart around the corner on Meeting House Creek RD across from marina. There is also wood on the farm in back of the house, if you take it he(owner) will have you arrested for larceny and paragraph 19 will apply – he lives 2 houses away.
3. At meals, do not take the last serving for yourself. This food is reserved for frittata making. Also, one should take care to cook breakfast frittatas as slowly as possible to build anticipation.
4. Although the shells of Westhampton are attractive on the outside, they are filled with rotting sea life. Resist the urge to stick your fingers inside them or place them in your pockets. A previous guest did this and it cost nearly 50 cents in soap and water to get the smell off of his hands.
5. Do not allow your chef to prepare lobster using any less than one bottle of ketchup. And under no circumstances should you attempt to prepare lobster casserole without the assistance of a professional.
Dan Rattiner (pronounced /ra teen er/) explains [from his first article on the subject]:
“It’s going to be a dinner for six. I’ve invited two friends I’ve known since the early days and their wives, and my [fourth] wife will be there, of course. And then I thought, fearful of screwing it up (what’s a double boiler?), to show the recipe to Mazzu, the celebrated Brazilian caterer who lives and works out here in the Hamptons.”
What’s a double boiler, indeed.
6. Children’s toys are primarily for the use of adults. If children wish to play, we recommend a swim in the pool next door. (see Chapter 19)
7. TV payperview… the TV’s have open access to pay per view (movies prize fights etc.) after you leave and before I send your deposit back I check it with Cablevision…Please leave a check on the refrigerator if you have any charges. But really, you’re probably better off just using Apple TV. It’s really easy to use and I’m sure you won’t have any trouble setting it up.
8. While heat is on all windows and doors must be kept open. Otherwise it will be difficult to sleep in the upstairs bedrooms. An extra fee will be charged for not complying.
9. The most important late December birthday does not belong to JC. Celebrate accordingly.
10. Have you read Chapter 19? No? Hurry up and read it. I cannot overemphasize the importance of Chapter 19.
11. Be sure to try the shinnecock mussels at Jerry and the Mermaid.
12. Don’t forget that there are men and women risking their lives while you’re relaxing with friends. Actually, this one is probably more important than Chapter 19.
13. There are to be no parties or gatherings of people in excess of the number allowed under the maximum occupancy. There are to be no weddings, rehearsal dinners, Sunday after wedding brunches, pornament making parties, tents, nor parking in the grass. We rent to many people who are in town for weddings but please have large gatherings elsewhere. Any violation of this clause (or of Chapter 19) will result in loss of possession by the renter, immediate eviction and forfeiture of all money paid, with NO exceptions. If you insist on a late night dance party, consider a silent disco.
13A. I should mention my wife. She is the greatest person I have ever met.
16. Don’t trip. Seriously, please be careful – we really hate to see you hurt yourself. Exception: comically falling and breaking a chair is hilarious, as long the chair bears the brunt of the pain.
17. DO NOT remove Ice Tray – the last person who did put it back wrong $200 repair bill. If you need more ice, just go buy it, but try to get a cool looking bag.
18. Maybe go up the other side if you want to check out the front of the Fireboat Fire Fighter. That side’s got enough electricity to ruin your weekend. Also, please don’t bend the fire cat.